The FORCE Explains Astrology
Darth Vader and Luke give you the run down of each sign,
Scroll down to see what they say!
Lando Calrissian - GEMINI
This two-faced role playing, and MASTERY of acting is the realm of Gemini. (hilight this text to tweet it!)Sure, he was forced by Vader right? But he set everything up, just right, and squished them in the right direction, just like a greased pig.
Gee, thanks Lando!
See what Darth Vader says about GEMINI:
Gemini are weak of mind and easily manipulated. I can easily control them.It makes me laugh when they think they can manipulate other people. What they don't realize; they can only manipulate other weak minded ingrates on their own level. It never works against anyone on the right side of the force.
They are highly useful as agenda followers and cannon fodder.
See what Luke says about GEMINI:
Gemini are smart intelligent people with a flare for the sensational.They talk a lot and make great party guests. We used to party with this one ridiculously rich entrepreneur from the city in the sky -- until his big mouth kind of blew the party.
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Chewbacca - SAGITTARIUS
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Chewbacca is one star roving, fun loving, outspoken guy. He will go anywhere with his buddy Han. Asteroid field? -- check. Imperial Battle Cruiser? -- check. You name it, he's been there. This incurable Ultra-Wanderlust is indicative of a true Saggittarius.And...and(!), like a true sagittarian, he is a high-calibre philosopher. Those grunts and growls he emits, are actually Kantian Koans in his native language. He ponders the eternal questions, like: "Is there free will?" -- with the mental prowess of a Nietzsche. It's not his fault that you can't understand his language!
See what Darth Vader says about SAGITTARIUS:
Sagittarians are short sighted, irresponsible vagabonds.A perfect example is the rug mat wookie of the rebels. Doesn't he know Han Solo is just using him as a lap dog? Once in a while Han will throw him some scraps, but otherwise it is a ridiculously bad business relationship. Han Solo's value proposition just doesn't make sense, but the Wookie keeps going for it -- LOOOSER!
See what Luke says about SAGITTARIUS:
Sagittarians are adventure loving, open minded, smart, and clever.
I know this wookie and he is nothing but fun. His grunting and growling doesn't make much sense, BUT, we communicate on an emotional level.
Sagittarians make great emotional and reliable partners. You can count on them to take up ANY fight for you!
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R2D2 - CAPRICORN
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R2D2 is definitely the smartest robot of the galaxy. He knows over a million human languages, and over a million machine languages. He makes the earth's super computer known as "deep blue" look like a retarded abacus.He can hack any security system and open any door within seconds.
This kind of brain power can only be attributed to a capricorn. And, like a true Capricorn, he doesn't talk much!
See what Darth Vader says about CAPRICORN:
Capricorns are unnecessarily complicated people and robots.The droid the rebels use knows over a million languages, and yet, can't speak English! How lame is that? We've tested him with a full diagnostics set, and the best forensic scientists in the galaxy.
Result: Total Systematic DEFECT!
See what Luke says about CAPRICORN:
Capricorns are super duper smart people and don't talk much.They are also very good with money. All of our financers are capricorns working out of Switzerland. They really know how to
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Obi-Wan Kenobi - AQUARIUS
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Obi-Wan Kenobi, the Uber-Mentor of the Galaxy, guides the young, emotional, and impulsive Luke through his turmoil. Appearing even after death (!) as a flickering ghost, or just as voices in Luke's head:This kind of magic can only be an AQUARIUS!
See what Darth Vader says about AQUARIUS:
Aquarius are the biggest bird-brains of the universe. They are walking, talking, mental-health issues!There was this guy, he was my mentor for a little while, and I was young and impressionable -- I thought he was really smart. Then he started coming up with weird excuses to stop my progress. Then he even blocked my progress.
Long story short, we had a falling out -- but you know what he did? He let down his guard during the fight, and let me kill him!
What an idiot!
Now the S.O.B. haunts my cancerian son. He totally used a post hypnotic suggestion to implant voices in my son's head! He could totally do that; it was his specialty as a Jedi master, mind games and all of that stuff. And cancerians -- with their wobbly brains -- are totally susceptible to this crap. I would love to kill this Galactic bastard - again!
See what Luke says about AQUARIUS:
Aquarius are far out dreamers and thinkers. My mentor was aquarius and he was super wise. I think they make great mentors. But he wasn't only wise, he also had great intuitive powers and could play great mind games. He could say stuff like, "These aren't the droids you are looking for," and wave his hand a little ... and it would work! Freakin' magic!
That's what I remember the most about him, he was magic. Even after that creepy guy killed him - he still appears to me!
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Luke Skywalker - CANCER
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Luke Skywalker's sensitivy, caring, and wanting to do what's best for the galaxy, are all indicative of an Archetypal CANCERIAN.
Cancer really love to fight for a cause, even if there is none, they will make one up!
See what Darth Vader says about CANCER:
Cancers are hypersensitive manic wimps.
They cry like babies if you look at them wrong, they are always in a bad mood, and worst of all, they can't get away from their mother!My son -- a Cancer -- keeps hanging out with all the wrong people: these jerks that call themselves "rebels". I keep telling him that they are NOT rebels, they are SJW jerks that will NEVER accomplish anything in their life!
I want to make my son master of the universe, probably the highest office ever known, and you know what he said?
YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID???
The mealy-mouthed punk said "You're not my father" !
How's that for appreciation!?
You fight for your entire life to build a good future for your family, to leave a LEGACY for your son, a nice fat inheritance, and that's how they repay you?
I wish my son was NOT a Cancer: they are way too moody, and they really need a smack on the back of the head. Jeez...
See what Luke says about CANCER:
Cancer are the most sensitive caring people I know of.
They are really receptive to what other people say, and actually care about what you think.
Cancers will fight for what is right, and have a very strong instinct to protect.Us cancerians have a super strong instinct to protect the weak, and we absolutely cannot resist an underdog!
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Jabba the Hut - TAURUS
Jabba's amassing of wealth and luxury can only mean one thing - TAURUS!
Being the hub of several underworld intergalactic dealerships has been no small feat for Jabba.
He relishes in the control and coordination of amassing material wealth in the form of money, real estate, spaceships, and slaves.The perfect professional calling for a Taurus!
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See what Darth Vader says about Taurus:
If you can stand their body odors; Taurus are stable partners and I like to do business with them.
Trust is the number one monetary unit in the galaxy and it's great to find people you can trust nowadays.
If you can earn their trust, you can make great things happen.
See what Luke says about Taurus:
Taurus are headstrong and loyal.
They are down to earth people, and usually speak the truth.
To sum them up in one word: "dependable."
I'm not really mad at Jabba for the whole deal with my buddy Han. He was a tough negotiater, but in the end he saw it my way.
The Emperor - ARIES
His supreme assholiness was born right on the cusp of Aries and Taurus, just like Hitler.
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This makes it a very close tie between Aries and Taurus:
Emperor Palpatine's ridiculous all encompassing drive and will to own everything is indicative of a Taurus, but his burning desire to control everything and especially the manner and attitude he adopts doing it, makes him the biggest ***hole of the universe - definitely an Aries.
Aries is also ruled by Mars, the god of war, so that fits him perfectly.
See what Darth Vader says about ARIES:
Aries can be pretty cool bosses, although they can also be real jerks when they don't get what they want. I know this guy from the old school, he's an Aries, and he can shoot lightning from his fingers! He taught me everything he knows, and he actually saved my life. He's like a dad to me. Aries are really caring thoughtful people.
Just make sure you are on their side. Join us, and we shall rule the galaxy together!
See what Luke says about ARIES:
Aries are hard driving passionate people.
Being the first sign, Aries are also the "babies" of the Zodiac.
This bugs me sometimes because they can act childish when they don't get what they want.
For example, there's this guy that really scares me, and his boss is an Aries. They're always bugging me to choose sides -- theirs of course! Being forced to choose sides is like a dictatorship. I hate that, I told them that already, but they keep insisting. I don't know why.
But let's put it this way, Aries are very polarizing people, you either hate them or love them.
Whatever you do, don't compromise your own values just to stay on their good side, know what I mean?
Han Solo - LEO
Han Solo's manic pursuit of leadership at all costs can only mean one thing -- he is a hardcore LEO.
Leo's feel hurt if you don't let them lead; they take it personally.
Problem is, they just must be the leader, even if they are the wrong person for the job.This leads to them biting off way more than they can chew, just like Obama.
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Leos are loudmouth loser mama's-boys. I have never met a more incompetent person in my dark-side life than the one called "Han Solo."
On top of that, the idiot keeps helping the rebels. Who does he think he is, Edward Snowden?When I finally get my hand[sic] on him again, it will be the last time. I promise.
Leos make great leaders, but watch out -- they might steal your girl!
My buddy Han is always getting himself in trouble, I don't why, but he always has to be the frontman and he revels in the role. He really knows spaceships and navigating around the galaxy and stuff. I totally trust him to do this.
My buddy Han is always getting himself in trouble, I don't why, but he always has to be the frontman and he revels in the role. He really knows spaceships and navigating around the galaxy and stuff. I totally trust him to do this.
Leos are also "people people", and I dig that, you know, it appeals to my "soft side of the force."
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Yoda - PISCES
The ultimate wisdom of wisdoms comes together in Yoda, the Gandhi of the Galaxy!
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As the astrological cycle completes itself in the last sign of the Zodiac, wisdom, compassion, and understanding come together and form the most powerful thing in the Galaxy - THE FORCE.
This "passive power", the power of a quiet brook, or a raging stream, the power of water, the power of a million years of one drop falling on a stone -IS- the epitomy of Pisces; and Yoda is the unmistakable Pisces of the universe.
Pisces are the biggest Losers of the galaxy!
There's this shriveled up old geezer called Yoda:
He's always coming up with these lies and half truths about the dark side -- my side. Then he has the audacity to propose peace and non-violence and this "Galactic Gandhi" crap. What a bunch of BS! I have friends in high places, one day we are going to bring this old coot to the Empire's court. We just gotta build it first...
The Galaxy would be a better place without his softie influence.
Pisces are the most interesting poetic and philosophical people that I know. I've learned from many people, but the one who taught me the true meaning of the force was a Pisces.
It's not about being physically strong. It's about being mentally AND physically strong. The mind and the body are ONE.You have to UNlearn a lot of things before you can actually embody this concept. But stay true to the path, and you will get there, one step at a time...
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C3PO - VIRGO
Possibly the first gay robot, C3PO makes points with his ultra-correctness, and is THE Uber-Clean-Freak of the galaxy!
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This upright neurosis is 1 million percent indicative of a pure Virgo.
Another prominent Virgo of the Galaxy is Princess Amidala:
She can be best described in one word: VIRTUE
This is a big pain point for me, my ex-wife was Virgo. I loved her very much, but because of differing career paths, we had to part. I wanted to show her the wonders of the entire universe, but she had her "principles". Problem with Virgos is; they are slaves to their principles, and they don't even know where their principles come from. A leader needs flexibility, I tried to tell her this, but "No-Go."
I believe Virgos are really good people, but sometimes they are too principled, and just can't see things my way or any other way.
Virgos are one of my favorite signs. They are the most beautiful loving women I know. They are fair and proper.
Virgos help me remember what path I am really on; what the good side is all about.I dig Virgo's, they are the keepers of the holy values!
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Princess Leia - LIBRA
Princess Leigha must be a Libra because she can't figure out who she wants to be with: First she is with her brother, then she is with Han, then with Jabba -- pure Libra! Libra is the most promiscuous sign of the zodiac, they are real "star ***ckers"! x
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Darth Vader - SCORPIO
There can be only one.
AND HE IS -- DARTH VADER
The SS uniform fetish, and fascination with death and power, are hardwired traits in the scorpio.
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The nuclear power of pluto, and the desire to simplify things into one all powerful, all encompassing system, is also indicative of a pure Scorpion.
There can be only one in the Universe who can handle the power of the dark side, who can play with it at will, and survive.
Scorpios are the kindest, coolest, people I know. They have amazing intuitive powers, and are constantly striving for good things.
It is said that they are a law unto themselves, but, I assure you: they are totally fair and just.
Scorpios see things through to the end and get things done. Exactly what we need in a leader nowadays!
The Universe needs a Scorpio at the helm!
Scorpios scare the hell out of me.
They are the creepiest, scariest "signs" of the Zodiac.
There is this dude with an SS uniform fetish, and he keeps telling me he is my father!
I'm really afraid of this guy.
I wouldn't want to think of what he would do with me, if he ever got me alone somewhere.
As a matter of fact, I'm so scared of this guy that I'm taking martial arts classes, just so I can defend myself against creeps like this!
Stay clear of these guys, they totally embody the dark side of the force and EVERYTHING which is bad in the universe!
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